The Valedictorian Speech That Never Was (22)

Sometimes I get these agonizing waves of nostalgia and grief for all the lives I didn’t live. And at 22, that’s a lot of life unlived-- that’s a lot of waves. 

Being 22 is such a terrifying age. It’s like how do you even do it? On the one hand, there’s the overwhelming weight of responsibility and of adulthood. There are the feelings of being a grown-up and of being wiser and better because of your age. On the other hand, there’s the fact that you still refer to adults as “grown-ups.” There’s the fact that you can have pizza and macaroni for dinner every night and not feel bad. There’s a pull. A constant pull between I don’t know anything, and I know absolutely everything. There’s a slight yearning for the future and for the past all at once. If someone offered to take care of you right now, you’d probably say yes. But let’s be honest, you’d be bored in .52 seconds. 

Being 22, it’s more than a fifth of most lifetimes. It’s old enough to say, I am still young and there’s so much more I need to do. But it’s also old enough to require resumes and vitas and detailed lists of our greatest accomplishments. It’s the balance between life lived and life yet to be lived, and it’s the only time I get to kind of stand still. But that’s the funny thing about time, it can be so different at every moment. But my goal is not to record time, my goal is to live in the moment, in the now. Because YOLO has reached the mainstream, and I’m supposed to be riding that wave of irresponsibility and having a good times because you only have one life, haven’t you heard. And I understand, I only get this moment once, and I understand life can be short, boy do I understand. But all the boring stuff they cut out for the movies, still has to happen. 

And maybe that’s what 22 is about. It’s about accepting that I have to get at least 8 hours of sleep most nights to function but staying up all night on Friday because the conversation is just too good to stop and the music is just so right. 

And maybe that’s not it at all because let’s be honest, I think I know nothing and everything at once so why ever would you trust me? 

In Response to My "Little"

This year, at the Writing Center, we have the amazing opportunity to be paired up with one freshmen and be their "big" buddy. In this way, we are able to connect with freshmen and show them that Western is here for them and that the resources we have are accessible. 

I am SO excited for this! I am sending my "little" a link to this so she gets to read all about how awesome I think she is! 

My "little" is H. There are 2 girls in her class named Hannah so she goes by H. She is the sweetest girl ever, and I am so excited to get to know her. For the class, they had to describe what they thought having a mentor would be like. As I read her blog entry, I knew I had to live up to what she had described. I can't wait to get to know her as a friend and fellow WOU student. She is so fun and inspiring, and I know I will learn so much from her! 

(Can't wait to get to know you Hannah!)

Ponderings and New Found Inspiration

Lately, I have found that a lot of the people I know are starting and updating their blogs. At first, this makes me incredibly jealous because I have a blog, but every time that I mention it, I find myself adding the disclaimer "Oh, but I never update it so don't read it!" What a disservice I am doing myself! And yet, that simple phrase, "don't read it" describes my relationship with my blog all too well.
One of the many reasons I don't update this is because I am a perfectionist. The idea of quickly jotting something down and sending it out into the cold dark world of the interwebz is something that I find neither appealing nor easy to do. Not to mention, that as much as I like to pretend I am an open book, it's kind of scary sharing your life with even one follower. But, I have a blog and this day in age, I believe that to be a tool. So, I've decided that I will try my very hardest to actually update it. Every once and again, I'll venture into the white and orange world of blogger and commit to these pages whatever it is you're supposed to share with the world. Here goes nothing...

To My PLUS Team Family:

How do I begin to put this in words? How do I describe just how much this weekend meant to me? For me to let you in, I have to explain so much.

I have been a Peer Mentor for 2 years now. Being a Peer Mentor is like being a part of a cult, and I mean that in the best of ways. No one really understands what it takes: the sweat, blood, and tears you shed for the job. It’s a fight to be recognized and respected every day, an uphill journey. It’s seeing the same people at least once a week and learning to not only to love them but also to have a working relationship with them.

But it’s this struggle, and it’s this pain that pulls you together and builds you into a family. This year, I not only got to participate in being a part of the Peer Mentor family, but I was involved in the selection and formation of this family. I built a family from scratch this year. And I have poured my whole entire being into that family, into that organization. At times, I have been let down and disappointed, but for every negative experience there have been at least ten amazing moments that made up for it. It’s an experience that makes you feel so proud and happy.  

            Being a part of PLUS team has been a hard transition for me. If I were asked to describe my weekend in one word it would be crazy! It was an explosion of people and stories and moments. And above all, it became the moment when everything changed for me.

            I had been struggling to accept myself as a part of this family because I have another family. Because in the broadest use of the term, I felt like I was betraying my family when I became a part of this one. Because being a part of the PLUS Team family, means letting go of the old one and accepting that it’s time to move on, and it's this change that I hate so much. Because with my other family I understand my role; but with you, with all of you, I am building a new role within a new whole. And this misplaced fear was holding me back and holding back my heart from growing with you and growing into you.

            As much as this change scares me, as much as I am scared to lose what I have worked so hard to build, I think that I am more afraid of losing the opportunity to grow into this family. I love you comes easy to me and I was so scared that I had lost that. I was afraid that I had changed and I was petrified with the fear that I wouldn’t be able to connect.

            During touchstone, I had this moment when I realized that everyone on the team is so open and willing to love me and to have me be a part of this family. I realized how selfish I was being in holding on to my fears. I realized that I can be a part of more than one family and that you can love an infinite amount of people and experiences and not have to love one more than the other. Love, in its infinite wisdom doesn’t teach us to love comparatively, but it teaches us to love without judgments and without fear.

            And this is the best part because it is where I tell you that I do truly love you, each and every one of you. And I want you to know that with this love comes a promise, a promise that I will let go of the fear. Because, this weekend, I have gotten to know the most amazing people on this campus, and I want to hold you all in my heart forever.

You were all so open with me this weekend, and you deserve that same openness from me. I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. Thank you for an unforgettable weekend, and thank you for helping me open my heart to this experience. I can’t wait for every other unforgettable moment that is sure to come! I love you all!

-Rosario 

Winter Term

So, winter term is over, and I feel like I need to wrap up and reflect on it a little bit. What has changed in my life this term, this year really? The answer is so so much; the answer is always so so much.

I remember I started this term thinking about how much I wanted it to be over, and now that it finally is, I can’t believe it. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how fast this term zoomed by. It’s not that I wasn’t looking forward to it; in fact it’s been an amazing term! But, I knew that this term was going to be stressful, long, and difficult. It was definitely all of those things, but it was also full of growth and as Heidi likes to say, “birth pains.” This term, and this year really, I feel like I have been working super hard on becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I have learned to be confident in what I say and what I do, and that has changed everything in my life for the better.  

But all these changes haven’t been easy. They have been a lot of hard work on my part. They’ve required me to do things I never in a hundred million years would have thought I could do. I have cried, laughed, prayed, and fought for this progress. But I can feel the positive shifts in my life. I feel myself growing, and I see the fruits of my labor.  

In Peer Mentoring, I have the opportunity to watch the mentors grow into amazing student leaders and that is what I am most proud of this year. To say I am like a proud momma is an understatement. They have all taken hold of my heart, and I can’t imagine my life without every single one of them. When I look at all they have accomplished, my heart swells with joy and appreciation for the team they’ve become. At the same time, there’s now an impending finish line in view. We only have one term left, and I hope to make it the best one yet!  

At the apartment, Candice and I finally have a new roommate! We are so excited and happy to be having Jasmine move in! The roommate search was awful and disheartening, but we have finally found someone perfect! Sometimes you just have to wait a little longer for what’s right.

This term my life has been a series of stress but at the same time growth. I mean during this term I applied for PLUS team, selected PM leaders for next year, reviewed mountains of applications, selected mentors for next year, taught lessons, baked bread pudding, held it together in public, fell apart in private, laughed until I cried, faced my fears, stood up for myself, stood up for someone else, delivered bad news, received bad news, have been so mad I cried, accidentally cursed, made the greatest mix CD ever, impersonated Elvis (badly, soooooo badly!), turned 21, had my first drink, met new people, got to know people that I already knew, had my room redecorated by the lovely Paula, practiced parking, survived Spanish 402, danced, laughed and laughed and laughed, sang along to awful music in the car, sang along to awesome music everywhere, didn’t get enough sleep, got sick then got better, played cranium, almost died on the way to Shari’s, taught others how to properly put on condoms, had crazy eyes, learned to relax, procrastinated, was on top of things, was accepted for PLUS team, and was blessed with the most amazing people to share my days and my moments!

            It has been a crazy term but I can’t wait for next term and all the changes it brings. 

Good bye winter term, it's been swell! Bring it on, spring term! 

Cousins and Best Friends! (I got confused during this picture.)

Being Whole

You were such a broken little thing when we first met

with your head held high 

and your nose in the air,

but you were kind

deep down on the inside you are kind.

I was not yet whole

so we wandered our world together. 

I still love you like I used to

I still love you like you're family,

But there came a day when I became whole

and you were still broken

and holding you together was too much for me

I miss you more than I would ever admit

but you're such a broken little thing and I just can't keep up anymore. 

This Is Love

The things you keep

locked away in your heart

The words I spoke to you,

so long ago.

Do you remember, you ask,

when you said,

you continue.

And I have to strain my mind

to reach the blurred edges of my memory

and there it is.

I told you that story

and you've kept it in your heart

when mine forgot

Happiness Here

It's not like one day I just woke up and knew

how to be me. 

It's like this:

It happens a little more everyday 

This becoming me, becoming real.

It happened slowly and painfully

I had to try on all these masks.

I pretended and acted and tried to figure out if any of them fit

with every word and movement they hurt me

they tore at my flesh

they dug at my face 

they ate away at my body.

Until one day I tried going without the mask

I tried to live without the act

Little by little I was able to live with all that was me

and then I forgot the masks I'd once worn 

and the acts that unfold are now truly my own

I script my own life

Yet it goes with out saying, that all of those masks 

became part of my past

and they left little scars

that remind me "Who you are" 

defines nothing 

throw down the mask 

build your own world and someday you'll know.

it'll happen real slow and builds in your soul

and soon enough dear 

you'll find happiness here

What It Is

It's not like it was easy leaving you

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's not like I made up my mind overnight

It wasn't something someone said or did

It was just time.

It was time for me to let you go

I've known you for years.

It wasn't like I suddenly realized we were strangers

I knew you.

I know you

better than you know yourself.

It was all those years of knowing you that made it harder

But it was all those years of knowing you that made the choice for me

I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I couldn't tip-toe around the person you were.

So I let you go. 

Nothing happened. 

The world still keeps turning, 

and I am fine.

This Grief

Today our wold was rocked.
My mother's sister, my aunt Francisca, called to give us bad news. My cousin Paco, was killed. He lived in Mexico, and we all knew he was wrapped up in some bad stuff with some drug dealers. My aunt had told him multiple times to try to get out of it. Almost everyone in our family had warned him of the danger he was putting himself in. But he refused to listen to anyone.


It's strange for me, so strange, to be talking about someone I should have known better in the past tense.


He lived with my mother, on and off, for most of his childhood. My mother was a mess when she found out, so naturally I was not. When everyone else breaks down, I don't. I can't. For me, grief is a private event. It's this monster that you deal with alone, in the dark, in a room, by yourself. So when everyone else around me can't handle it, I pat, I hug, and I change the subject. I'm so good at avoiding. It's okay to cry. I know that. But to cry in front of everyone, where the world can see your grief, that's not okay with me. I carry my grief on the inside, until I can release it later.


My cousin died. They buried him today. I didn't know him that well. I have a few memories I attach to him, but mostly, Paco is a part of my before world. Before we moved to United States, before we met my dad, before my real life started, before. He lived with us in Mexico. According to my mother, I loved him. I loved to be around him and he played with me but I was so little that I don't remember that. When we lived in Salem, he was there too. He and my other cousins once broke my tricycle, but I didn't mind.


All I have of him are moments, glimpses into who he was. I have these memories that are short and not enough. You can spend most of your life not missing someone, until you realize that all you can do now is miss them.


I don't run from things. I face them head on. I want details and facts and something to hold on to. But my cousin was buried today, and the police is refusing to release any information on how it happened.


Today our world was rocked and I chose to remain absolutely still. In the stillness, no harm can reach you.


God Bless us all. Rest in peace Francisco Javier Naranjo. 

Food Stuffs

This week has not been as mind numbingly boring as I expected it to be! I somehow took on the task of cooking dinner for the family almost everyday of the week. This little chore was assigned to me on Sunday, right before we had our Father's Day barbeque. I think my mother is getting a little sentimental about me moving into my own apartment. She keeps unloading motherly advice on me. It's all very sweet, but it feel a little out of place because I'm about to enter my third year of college.


I hate cooking so I'm not really sure how I ended up agreeing to make so many dinners. On the plus side, this week I learned to make delicious mexican rice and ceviche! It's nice to know I'll be able to make my favorite foods even when I'm not home.


Tomorrow, my Aunt Teresa's coming down and we're going to make sopes! I can't wait!


A picture of the ceviche I made:

Graduations And Summertime

This blog comes to you from Aloha, Oregon. I am currently at my cousin Ruby's house until Saturday. My other cousin, Jessica, just graduated from high school so I decided to spend a couple of days with my family.


So far, I have attended two graduations within a week. There were a couple of common threads in them. The commonalities were as follow: President Barack Obama and the fact that he's black, facebook, and Dr. Seuss quotes.
Beside attending too many graduations, this summer hasn't been too bad.


Last week, my parents decided to pick me up from the dorms a day early. That meant that I had about 2 hours to clean and pack EVERYTHING. Let's just say that I was very sweaty on the drive home. Leaving the dorm wasn't anywhere near as sad as I expected it to be. I am a little relieved to be half done with my undergrad studies.


I went to Seattle with my family on Saturday. My younger brother Alan, was playing at a soccer tournament in SeaTac so we all piled into the car at 5:30 am just to watch him play. They did not win, but it was fun, and we went to the space needle! It was a nice start to summer. My family drove me nuts half the time but we spent the other half laughing so it was nice.


I don't really know what I'm doing this summer, but I'm excited to see what will happen.


Here a picture of me with two of my favorite little graduates, Angelica and Leslie:

Manchester Orchestra

I'm going to a concert with my friend, Adri, tomorrow, and I can't wait! It's been a long time since I've been able to go to a concert; too long if you ask me. We're seeing Manchester Orchestra and Cage the Elephant. They are such phenomenal performers. The first time I saw Manchester Orchestra live, I fell in love with them. Their lyrics are what really get to me. I love when a performer's voice is so passionate and strong that it alone conveys the whole feeling of the song. Andy Hull, the lead singer of Manchester Orchestra, manages to do just that that. When you put together the music, the lyrics, and Andy's voice you get songs that hold on to you and never let go.
Besides getting to see a sure to be incredible show, I am so excited to spend some time with my Adri! I have missed her so much this year and can't wait to get one beautiful day of Portland with her!



P.S. We had a BLAST at this concert!

This Place

What was it that made me change? 

I'm not really sure

It happened so fast, 

one moment I was this shell of a person

I was scared, all the time

I was frozen

I couldn't move forward but the world was coming at me fast

I was living a life full of reactions

It was easy, so easy to be with you

you pulled me along for the ride. 

You told me what to do

and I did it.

it was easy.

but then one day

my life clicked into place

finally, 

I wasn't scared anymore

because I've come to realize that I am human

and people like me

and I am kind 

and I am brave

and within me there's this fire that's been waiting

to be let free into the world 

I'm ready

I'm finally ready to be whole and so completely me

and that's enough 

and that's good enough

and I am good enough 

to be free

Déjà vu

It is the end of another school year. Everyone is packing, hugging, and saying their goodbyes. I can not believe this incredible journey is drawing to a close.


Today, I had my End of the Year Peer Mentor Party. We went to Newport. At first, I was sad and tired, but then we went to the beach and there is nothing like Oregon waters to wake you up. We played capture the flag, and even though I hate games and running, I joined in and had so much fun! I'm going to miss everyone so much. My heart is literally breaking at the idea of not being with that same group of people again. I've grown to love and appreciate every single one of them. I wish we had at least 500 more days to spend together.


My Peer Mentor journey has been so life changing. I've learned to enjoy things and really live in the moment. You can't expect things to get better or worse; you have to love the moment you're living. More than anything, I've learned to trust myself and a group of strangers. The world isn't such a bad place if you have a little family to hold you together. I am blessed, so blessed.

The 'I love..' Game

Yesterday was a struggle. It is dead week here at the beautifully rainy WOU. Everyone is exhausted and ready to either combust or fall asleep; that's college for you. I have been so busy lately that I have really fallen behind with my school work. Yesterday was one of those days that I had to force myself to even put one foot in front of the other. I am sure we all have those days but it just so happened that yesterday was also the busiest day of my week.

I woke up in the morning dreading the day. Oh, did I mention that I woke up at 5 freaking am! I had to finish a spanish essay. Thankfully, I was able to finish quickly and so move on with my life. But, because I woke up so early, I was ready to crash again by 10am. I had work at 10:30, and as I was walking over to the Writing Center, I could feel my energy just slowly leaving my body.

Yet, in that moment, I knew that I could either give in to the fatigue and stress, or I could suck it up and change my day. So I started listing all of the things that I loved. It was hard at first. I started with "I love the rain, even though it's super annoying that I am getting soaked, no I love the rain". Then, "I love those leaves", "I love that girl's backpack", and "I love that statue". By the time I got to work, I ended up thinking about how much I loved the color purple and the shoes I was wearing, and I realized that I had truly enjoyed my walk.

It's amazing really. People always talk about how your attitude can make or break your day. I guess I never really believed it before. My day was not terrible, in fact, had my Tuesday not been during dead week, I probably would have gone home thinking that I'd had a great day, an excellent day even! 

Tomorrow is Thursday and I can finally sleep in. Thank the Lord for sleep! 

I Always Write Introductions Last.

The first post. What am I even supposed to write here? What part of me do I share? What comes first? Introductions, of course, introductions always come first! 


So, my name is Rosario Peralta. 


I'm a sophomore at Western Oregon University (WOU). I have this fickle relationship with the Spanish language (although, deep down I love Spanish more than breathing), and I think I want to be a Spanish teacher. I am a Peer Mentor and help put on Health Education programs for the campus. I love being busy and having a full schedule; there is nothing better than the sight of an  overflowing planner. I also work at the Writing Center on campus and seriously have the BEST job I could ever have asked for. 


When I'm not trying to do 20 things at once, you'll find me curled up somewhere reading. I have never not finished a book. Even if I hate it, I will finish it. I've also come to realize that I am an interactive TV watcher. I will yell, cry, throw things, and just respond to my television. I also tend to find all the wrong parts funny and talk through every movie. I wish I didn't love television so much but I do. 


There's a million other tiny things I could say to help you get to know me better, but I don't know what this blog will become yet. Hopefully, I'll be able to  fill it with my words. That's all I want, somewhere to put my words.