Ponderings and New Found Inspiration

Lately, I have found that a lot of the people I know are starting and updating their blogs. At first, this makes me incredibly jealous because I have a blog, but every time that I mention it, I find myself adding the disclaimer "Oh, but I never update it so don't read it!" What a disservice I am doing myself! And yet, that simple phrase, "don't read it" describes my relationship with my blog all too well.
One of the many reasons I don't update this is because I am a perfectionist. The idea of quickly jotting something down and sending it out into the cold dark world of the interwebz is something that I find neither appealing nor easy to do. Not to mention, that as much as I like to pretend I am an open book, it's kind of scary sharing your life with even one follower. But, I have a blog and this day in age, I believe that to be a tool. So, I've decided that I will try my very hardest to actually update it. Every once and again, I'll venture into the white and orange world of blogger and commit to these pages whatever it is you're supposed to share with the world. Here goes nothing...

To My PLUS Team Family:

How do I begin to put this in words? How do I describe just how much this weekend meant to me? For me to let you in, I have to explain so much.

I have been a Peer Mentor for 2 years now. Being a Peer Mentor is like being a part of a cult, and I mean that in the best of ways. No one really understands what it takes: the sweat, blood, and tears you shed for the job. It’s a fight to be recognized and respected every day, an uphill journey. It’s seeing the same people at least once a week and learning to not only to love them but also to have a working relationship with them.

But it’s this struggle, and it’s this pain that pulls you together and builds you into a family. This year, I not only got to participate in being a part of the Peer Mentor family, but I was involved in the selection and formation of this family. I built a family from scratch this year. And I have poured my whole entire being into that family, into that organization. At times, I have been let down and disappointed, but for every negative experience there have been at least ten amazing moments that made up for it. It’s an experience that makes you feel so proud and happy.  

            Being a part of PLUS team has been a hard transition for me. If I were asked to describe my weekend in one word it would be crazy! It was an explosion of people and stories and moments. And above all, it became the moment when everything changed for me.

            I had been struggling to accept myself as a part of this family because I have another family. Because in the broadest use of the term, I felt like I was betraying my family when I became a part of this one. Because being a part of the PLUS Team family, means letting go of the old one and accepting that it’s time to move on, and it's this change that I hate so much. Because with my other family I understand my role; but with you, with all of you, I am building a new role within a new whole. And this misplaced fear was holding me back and holding back my heart from growing with you and growing into you.

            As much as this change scares me, as much as I am scared to lose what I have worked so hard to build, I think that I am more afraid of losing the opportunity to grow into this family. I love you comes easy to me and I was so scared that I had lost that. I was afraid that I had changed and I was petrified with the fear that I wouldn’t be able to connect.

            During touchstone, I had this moment when I realized that everyone on the team is so open and willing to love me and to have me be a part of this family. I realized how selfish I was being in holding on to my fears. I realized that I can be a part of more than one family and that you can love an infinite amount of people and experiences and not have to love one more than the other. Love, in its infinite wisdom doesn’t teach us to love comparatively, but it teaches us to love without judgments and without fear.

            And this is the best part because it is where I tell you that I do truly love you, each and every one of you. And I want you to know that with this love comes a promise, a promise that I will let go of the fear. Because, this weekend, I have gotten to know the most amazing people on this campus, and I want to hold you all in my heart forever.

You were all so open with me this weekend, and you deserve that same openness from me. I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. Thank you for an unforgettable weekend, and thank you for helping me open my heart to this experience. I can’t wait for every other unforgettable moment that is sure to come! I love you all!

-Rosario 

Winter Term

So, winter term is over, and I feel like I need to wrap up and reflect on it a little bit. What has changed in my life this term, this year really? The answer is so so much; the answer is always so so much.

I remember I started this term thinking about how much I wanted it to be over, and now that it finally is, I can’t believe it. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how fast this term zoomed by. It’s not that I wasn’t looking forward to it; in fact it’s been an amazing term! But, I knew that this term was going to be stressful, long, and difficult. It was definitely all of those things, but it was also full of growth and as Heidi likes to say, “birth pains.” This term, and this year really, I feel like I have been working super hard on becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I have learned to be confident in what I say and what I do, and that has changed everything in my life for the better.  

But all these changes haven’t been easy. They have been a lot of hard work on my part. They’ve required me to do things I never in a hundred million years would have thought I could do. I have cried, laughed, prayed, and fought for this progress. But I can feel the positive shifts in my life. I feel myself growing, and I see the fruits of my labor.  

In Peer Mentoring, I have the opportunity to watch the mentors grow into amazing student leaders and that is what I am most proud of this year. To say I am like a proud momma is an understatement. They have all taken hold of my heart, and I can’t imagine my life without every single one of them. When I look at all they have accomplished, my heart swells with joy and appreciation for the team they’ve become. At the same time, there’s now an impending finish line in view. We only have one term left, and I hope to make it the best one yet!  

At the apartment, Candice and I finally have a new roommate! We are so excited and happy to be having Jasmine move in! The roommate search was awful and disheartening, but we have finally found someone perfect! Sometimes you just have to wait a little longer for what’s right.

This term my life has been a series of stress but at the same time growth. I mean during this term I applied for PLUS team, selected PM leaders for next year, reviewed mountains of applications, selected mentors for next year, taught lessons, baked bread pudding, held it together in public, fell apart in private, laughed until I cried, faced my fears, stood up for myself, stood up for someone else, delivered bad news, received bad news, have been so mad I cried, accidentally cursed, made the greatest mix CD ever, impersonated Elvis (badly, soooooo badly!), turned 21, had my first drink, met new people, got to know people that I already knew, had my room redecorated by the lovely Paula, practiced parking, survived Spanish 402, danced, laughed and laughed and laughed, sang along to awful music in the car, sang along to awesome music everywhere, didn’t get enough sleep, got sick then got better, played cranium, almost died on the way to Shari’s, taught others how to properly put on condoms, had crazy eyes, learned to relax, procrastinated, was on top of things, was accepted for PLUS team, and was blessed with the most amazing people to share my days and my moments!

            It has been a crazy term but I can’t wait for next term and all the changes it brings. 

Good bye winter term, it's been swell! Bring it on, spring term! 

Cousins and Best Friends! (I got confused during this picture.)

Being Whole

You were such a broken little thing when we first met

with your head held high 

and your nose in the air,

but you were kind

deep down on the inside you are kind.

I was not yet whole

so we wandered our world together. 

I still love you like I used to

I still love you like you're family,

But there came a day when I became whole

and you were still broken

and holding you together was too much for me

I miss you more than I would ever admit

but you're such a broken little thing and I just can't keep up anymore. 

This Is Love

The things you keep

locked away in your heart

The words I spoke to you,

so long ago.

Do you remember, you ask,

when you said,

you continue.

And I have to strain my mind

to reach the blurred edges of my memory

and there it is.

I told you that story

and you've kept it in your heart

when mine forgot

Happiness Here

It's not like one day I just woke up and knew

how to be me. 

It's like this:

It happens a little more everyday 

This becoming me, becoming real.

It happened slowly and painfully

I had to try on all these masks.

I pretended and acted and tried to figure out if any of them fit

with every word and movement they hurt me

they tore at my flesh

they dug at my face 

they ate away at my body.

Until one day I tried going without the mask

I tried to live without the act

Little by little I was able to live with all that was me

and then I forgot the masks I'd once worn 

and the acts that unfold are now truly my own

I script my own life

Yet it goes with out saying, that all of those masks 

became part of my past

and they left little scars

that remind me "Who you are" 

defines nothing 

throw down the mask 

build your own world and someday you'll know.

it'll happen real slow and builds in your soul

and soon enough dear 

you'll find happiness here

What It Is

It's not like it was easy leaving you

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's not like I made up my mind overnight

It wasn't something someone said or did

It was just time.

It was time for me to let you go

I've known you for years.

It wasn't like I suddenly realized we were strangers

I knew you.

I know you

better than you know yourself.

It was all those years of knowing you that made it harder

But it was all those years of knowing you that made the choice for me

I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I couldn't tip-toe around the person you were.

So I let you go. 

Nothing happened. 

The world still keeps turning, 

and I am fine.