This Grief

Today our wold was rocked.
My mother's sister, my aunt Francisca, called to give us bad news. My cousin Paco, was killed. He lived in Mexico, and we all knew he was wrapped up in some bad stuff with some drug dealers. My aunt had told him multiple times to try to get out of it. Almost everyone in our family had warned him of the danger he was putting himself in. But he refused to listen to anyone.


It's strange for me, so strange, to be talking about someone I should have known better in the past tense.


He lived with my mother, on and off, for most of his childhood. My mother was a mess when she found out, so naturally I was not. When everyone else breaks down, I don't. I can't. For me, grief is a private event. It's this monster that you deal with alone, in the dark, in a room, by yourself. So when everyone else around me can't handle it, I pat, I hug, and I change the subject. I'm so good at avoiding. It's okay to cry. I know that. But to cry in front of everyone, where the world can see your grief, that's not okay with me. I carry my grief on the inside, until I can release it later.


My cousin died. They buried him today. I didn't know him that well. I have a few memories I attach to him, but mostly, Paco is a part of my before world. Before we moved to United States, before we met my dad, before my real life started, before. He lived with us in Mexico. According to my mother, I loved him. I loved to be around him and he played with me but I was so little that I don't remember that. When we lived in Salem, he was there too. He and my other cousins once broke my tricycle, but I didn't mind.


All I have of him are moments, glimpses into who he was. I have these memories that are short and not enough. You can spend most of your life not missing someone, until you realize that all you can do now is miss them.


I don't run from things. I face them head on. I want details and facts and something to hold on to. But my cousin was buried today, and the police is refusing to release any information on how it happened.


Today our world was rocked and I chose to remain absolutely still. In the stillness, no harm can reach you.


God Bless us all. Rest in peace Francisco Javier Naranjo. 

Food Stuffs

This week has not been as mind numbingly boring as I expected it to be! I somehow took on the task of cooking dinner for the family almost everyday of the week. This little chore was assigned to me on Sunday, right before we had our Father's Day barbeque. I think my mother is getting a little sentimental about me moving into my own apartment. She keeps unloading motherly advice on me. It's all very sweet, but it feel a little out of place because I'm about to enter my third year of college.


I hate cooking so I'm not really sure how I ended up agreeing to make so many dinners. On the plus side, this week I learned to make delicious mexican rice and ceviche! It's nice to know I'll be able to make my favorite foods even when I'm not home.


Tomorrow, my Aunt Teresa's coming down and we're going to make sopes! I can't wait!


A picture of the ceviche I made:

Graduations And Summertime

This blog comes to you from Aloha, Oregon. I am currently at my cousin Ruby's house until Saturday. My other cousin, Jessica, just graduated from high school so I decided to spend a couple of days with my family.


So far, I have attended two graduations within a week. There were a couple of common threads in them. The commonalities were as follow: President Barack Obama and the fact that he's black, facebook, and Dr. Seuss quotes.
Beside attending too many graduations, this summer hasn't been too bad.


Last week, my parents decided to pick me up from the dorms a day early. That meant that I had about 2 hours to clean and pack EVERYTHING. Let's just say that I was very sweaty on the drive home. Leaving the dorm wasn't anywhere near as sad as I expected it to be. I am a little relieved to be half done with my undergrad studies.


I went to Seattle with my family on Saturday. My younger brother Alan, was playing at a soccer tournament in SeaTac so we all piled into the car at 5:30 am just to watch him play. They did not win, but it was fun, and we went to the space needle! It was a nice start to summer. My family drove me nuts half the time but we spent the other half laughing so it was nice.


I don't really know what I'm doing this summer, but I'm excited to see what will happen.


Here a picture of me with two of my favorite little graduates, Angelica and Leslie:

Manchester Orchestra

I'm going to a concert with my friend, Adri, tomorrow, and I can't wait! It's been a long time since I've been able to go to a concert; too long if you ask me. We're seeing Manchester Orchestra and Cage the Elephant. They are such phenomenal performers. The first time I saw Manchester Orchestra live, I fell in love with them. Their lyrics are what really get to me. I love when a performer's voice is so passionate and strong that it alone conveys the whole feeling of the song. Andy Hull, the lead singer of Manchester Orchestra, manages to do just that that. When you put together the music, the lyrics, and Andy's voice you get songs that hold on to you and never let go.
Besides getting to see a sure to be incredible show, I am so excited to spend some time with my Adri! I have missed her so much this year and can't wait to get one beautiful day of Portland with her!



P.S. We had a BLAST at this concert!

This Place

What was it that made me change? 

I'm not really sure

It happened so fast, 

one moment I was this shell of a person

I was scared, all the time

I was frozen

I couldn't move forward but the world was coming at me fast

I was living a life full of reactions

It was easy, so easy to be with you

you pulled me along for the ride. 

You told me what to do

and I did it.

it was easy.

but then one day

my life clicked into place

finally, 

I wasn't scared anymore

because I've come to realize that I am human

and people like me

and I am kind 

and I am brave

and within me there's this fire that's been waiting

to be let free into the world 

I'm ready

I'm finally ready to be whole and so completely me

and that's enough 

and that's good enough

and I am good enough 

to be free

Déjà vu

It is the end of another school year. Everyone is packing, hugging, and saying their goodbyes. I can not believe this incredible journey is drawing to a close.


Today, I had my End of the Year Peer Mentor Party. We went to Newport. At first, I was sad and tired, but then we went to the beach and there is nothing like Oregon waters to wake you up. We played capture the flag, and even though I hate games and running, I joined in and had so much fun! I'm going to miss everyone so much. My heart is literally breaking at the idea of not being with that same group of people again. I've grown to love and appreciate every single one of them. I wish we had at least 500 more days to spend together.


My Peer Mentor journey has been so life changing. I've learned to enjoy things and really live in the moment. You can't expect things to get better or worse; you have to love the moment you're living. More than anything, I've learned to trust myself and a group of strangers. The world isn't such a bad place if you have a little family to hold you together. I am blessed, so blessed.

The 'I love..' Game

Yesterday was a struggle. It is dead week here at the beautifully rainy WOU. Everyone is exhausted and ready to either combust or fall asleep; that's college for you. I have been so busy lately that I have really fallen behind with my school work. Yesterday was one of those days that I had to force myself to even put one foot in front of the other. I am sure we all have those days but it just so happened that yesterday was also the busiest day of my week.

I woke up in the morning dreading the day. Oh, did I mention that I woke up at 5 freaking am! I had to finish a spanish essay. Thankfully, I was able to finish quickly and so move on with my life. But, because I woke up so early, I was ready to crash again by 10am. I had work at 10:30, and as I was walking over to the Writing Center, I could feel my energy just slowly leaving my body.

Yet, in that moment, I knew that I could either give in to the fatigue and stress, or I could suck it up and change my day. So I started listing all of the things that I loved. It was hard at first. I started with "I love the rain, even though it's super annoying that I am getting soaked, no I love the rain". Then, "I love those leaves", "I love that girl's backpack", and "I love that statue". By the time I got to work, I ended up thinking about how much I loved the color purple and the shoes I was wearing, and I realized that I had truly enjoyed my walk.

It's amazing really. People always talk about how your attitude can make or break your day. I guess I never really believed it before. My day was not terrible, in fact, had my Tuesday not been during dead week, I probably would have gone home thinking that I'd had a great day, an excellent day even! 

Tomorrow is Thursday and I can finally sleep in. Thank the Lord for sleep!